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It’s been 20+ days since my last post so here goes a memory challenge. Updating this has been at the back and front of my mind but rarely gets given proper attention. I think the recurring theme is balance. Less, better, focus on one or two things only and do them well.

Someone should hit me on the head. It was nice to get a friendly comment from George the other day on insta for something I was doing. I sometimes feel left out. I missed this weeks class and the one before for work and then moving to philly (thought the second time was more about forgetfullness). I have been very harsh on myself the last few days. Overly critical of my appearance, my thoughts, my choices. But on a positive note I have a studio space that is actually functional now and that has a window and isn’t in a cold Queens basement (though I very much loved that basement-don’t get me wrong).

I am nervous that so much of my life is hinging upon my relations to men, in particular my partner. I woke up the other day to the instagram account of ‘Now this her’ telling me that women are (as predicted) endangering their lives due to not having access to abortion and having to wait until they are in septic shock before they can recieve healthcare. I am overwhelmed with fear sometimes. One bad night, one hook up, and that could be it. Death. For me! A smart woman who has done nothing wrong! Madness. I listened to a podcast featuring Margaret atwood on bbc the other day and she talked about how in the 90’s people somehow forgot that history happened and she predicts that societies will slip backwards in time … that America is heading for its early history of religious Puritanism and women as sex workers and slaves (wives). It is painful to witness these trends, even from a distance. It is painful to feel excluded from the men I live with, that even in my own home I cannot escape the system. My partner and I had a fight about this the other day, he was telling me what misogyny was, that it was a scale and that no his friend was not a woman hater, just a misogynist. I was shocked and saddened that he could say such an uninformed thing to me. Friendships with such men are held so dearly even with idiots- and here I am lonely in Philly with no one around me but him. My partner also doesn’t vote, or recycle. But that is by the by and I hate my mind being filled with domestic, boring things.

Sometimes I don’t feel I have the bandwidth for exciting ideas, for the future, for tech, ai, ecological breakdown, new methods of painting, film techniques, artists. I feel the whole genre of creativity goes at odds with my vision of the world. In these moods, I see so much violence and pain and can’t imagine painting or creating digital artwork to make much sense. And yet. There is the calling. the deep inner gut feeling that tells you what you should do and where to go and you know you should do it but you’re afraid. At week 10 of the artists way, you have to read back over your morning pages. Mine are not consistent. But they are there and reading them showed me quite clearly that the only thing i feel consistently holding me back is my overobsession with my partner. With his gaze I feel a bit like I disappear. His unwarranted opinion of my work, positive or negative, has far too large an effect. Perhaps I am avoiding my own mind/ procrastinating by getting upset with him. I am distracting myself with my favorite vices of sex and sadness. When you walk into a room with a boyfriend, you become someone’s girlfriend and it’s a battle to escape, to be taken seriously. That said, when I was younger I felt strong and could bounce off this energy. Now I just feel tired and old and I’m not even 30 but my hair is greying and I feel very sad and unlovable.

My solution must be to join or create a female group. I’d like to find one. To find an audience I can respect and rely on for feedback regardless of my personal life. I don’t feel its easy to get that from an online group like the MA. And it does feel like a boys club sometimes. I am part of an art collective and very excited by the work we will be doing- perhaps this will develop me. I would prefer more women, however. I am getting a little in my head about it. Self-confidence is not high right now. I am reading/listening to a blog at the moment called ‘Good Folk’ the woman who writes it was helpful to me last summer in south carolina. She has even interviewed an artist I know a bit- Ida Floreak. She seems to speak my experiences very well and her concerns mirror mine.

Paused writing to take a reference photo for a painting..I do have plenty of ideas at least. Getting them done it the thing..my black and white series has beeen steadily growing and i’d like to put a couple into the final show.

I’d like to kill my brain sometimes. Sometimes I worry that I already have, that somewhere in my teenage life I did actually kill something inside and I’m dealing with whatever is left.